All-Star Rosters vs. My Two Cents

The NHL announced the full Eastern/Western Conference All-Star rosters, revealing that yes, in fact, there are players other than Detroit Red Wings and Calgary Flames being invited to play from the West.

Let's start with the Eastern ("Bestern") Conference:

FORWARDS
Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins* - Voted by the fans, sure, but this one is such a no-brainer than even Ross McKeon could call it.

Vincent Lecavalier, Tampa Bay Lightning* - Another fan favorite. I like Vinny, and I think he's solid - I just wish he'd get traded to a real team in a real city. Tampa Bay is for football and Girls Gone Wild. Imagine him on the Habs? Genius.

Daniel Alfredsson, Ottawa Senators* - The last starting forward. Alfredsson may be the most anonymous elite player in NHL history. The guy is super-talented, but even his teammates forget he's there sometimes. "Oh, hey, Danny, didn't notice you scoring a hat trick over there. Nice work."

Scott Gomez, New York Rangers - Fuck Scott Gomez.

Dany Heatley, Ottawa Senators - Ooooh, Dany "Speed Racer" Heatley makes his return to Hotlanta. Sadly, he's got no takers on his offer to carpool to the game.

Marian Hossa, Atlanta Thrashers - I wish Marian would have a son and name him "Jimmy." Sorry, that's all I got.

Ilya Kovulchuk, Atlanta Thrashers - Not only is Ilya amazing, his name sounds like a Bond villain. And that is a 2-fer as far as I'm concerned.

Alex Ovechkin, Washington Capitals - Another no-brainer. Alex, like Crosby, should just expect to play in this thing until he retires. Unless, you know, his career takes a turn for the Lindros.

Mike Richards, Philadelphia Flyers - With the hockey world so jam-packed with exotic names from far away lands (Finland), it's nice that a "Mike Richards" does well. In fact, how's this for a starting six: Mike Richards, Brad Richards, and Brad Richardson up front, Jason Smith and Luke Richardson on defense, and Mike Smith in goal?

Jason Spezza, Ottawa Senators - Great. Because the All-Star Game didn't have enough smirking and lazy play already.

Eric Staal, Carolina Panthers - The pioneer member of a family that will soon have a player on every team. Better get used to it.

Martin St. Louis, Tampa Bay Lightning - This generation's Theo Fleury, only less interesting (read: not a psycho alcoholic).

DEFENSE
Andrei Markov, Montreal Canadiens* - Man, did he rig the voting, or what? All I'm saying is, someone in the Markov family knows how to run bots.

Zdeno Chara, Boston Bruins* - "Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, don't be shy! Gawk away at Gigantor, The World's Largest Hockey Player! Pregnant women and children are asked not to enter!"

Brian Campbell, Buffalo Sabres - He's good, I guess. Although he gives me a distinctly "meh" vibe.

Sergei Gonchar, Pittsburgh Penguins - I think this guy is actually underrated, despite the fact that he's been an All-Star and everything. The fact that his name isn't mentioned more frequently baffles me.

Tomas Kaberle, Toronto Maple Leafs - I always get confused between Tomas Kaberle and Frantisek Kaberle. Which one went down like a stack of pussy after a Cam Janssen love tap? (I kid, I kid)

Kimmo Timonen, Philadelphia Flyers - Because the play-by-play guys have to have something fun to do, too.

GOAL
Martin Brodeur, New Jersey Devils* - There can be only one. Well played, voting fans.

Rick DiPietro, New York Islanders - You know why I like seeing DiPietro on this list? Because his name isn't Henrik Lundqvist.

Tomas Vokoun, Florida Panthers - They say Tomas had it rough, coming into Florida in the wake of Roberto Luongo. Why? It's not like Roberto established any kind of winning legacy in the Sunshine State. What does Vokoun have to live up to? The tradition of "collecting a paycheck in Florida until you can finagle a deal to a more talented team"?

And now, the Western Conference:

FORWARDS
Jarome Iginla, Calgary Flames* - Once he gets to Atlanta, Jarome will likely be looking around the locker room and wondering: "Am I at the All-Star Game or did I get traded to Detroit?"

Pavel Datsyuk, Detroit Red Wings* - "And starting at center for the Caltroit Red Flames..."

Henrik Zetterberg, Detroit Red Wings* - He and Datsyuk are a pretty awesome combo, I must admit. I can't snark this one away too badly. Good picks, both.

Jason Arnott, Nashville Predators - I love this guy, but, like Lecavalier, I wish he didn't play in a city more suited to spousal abuse and shitty music than hockey.

Marian Gaborik, Minnesota Wild - Anyone who scores 5 goals in one game deserves to be here, even if his bones are apparently balsa wood connected by dental floss.

Ryan Getzlaf, Anaheim Ducks - I know he's good, but I can't help thinking that I hate his smug face. He's like that pretty boy rich kid in school, the one everything always came easy to. Getzlaf won a Cup right out of the gate, so what does he have to look forward to?

Shawn Horcoff, Edmonton Oilers - Another guy I think deserves more attention than he gets, not least because his last name is the original, 18th century term for bronchitis.

Anze Kopitar, Los Angeles Kings - You'd think, playing in L.A., that this guy would be more of a superstar. He's certainly good enough, it's just a shame he plays for a Kings team that sucks so badly they may cause the league to implement the mercy rule. Jason LaBarbara just gave up three goals driving to the rink.

Rick Nash, Columbus Blue Jackets - Big, mean, has a scoring touch, is Canadian. It's like someone was reading Don Cherry's dream journal.

Henrik Sedin, Vancouver Canucks - Henrik was chosen, his twin brother Daniel was not. I imagine the day Henrik catches his flight to Atlanta he's going to be like Michael Cera in Superbad. "So, Henrik, how are you going to get by without Daniel?" "It's no big...I'm not worried...don't worry...I'm not worried at all..."

Paul Stastny, Colorado Avalanche - It makes me feel old that I saw his dad and his uncles play.

Joe Thornton, San Jose Sharks - I liked him better as a Bruin. I still think the Sharks look and sound like one of those made-up teams in movies where they couldn't get the rights to real NHL, NFL, or MLB teams. You know, like the Washington Sentinels in The Replacements?

DEFENSE
Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit Red Wings* - Of course. I mean, this guy has won the Lidstrom Trophy for best defenseman like, what? A billion times?

Dion Phaneuf, Calgary Flames* - This guy rocks in NHL 08 for the Xbox 360. Seriously, I think I actually killed Ladislav Nagy in a game once.

Ed Jovanovski, Pheonix Coyotes - Oh, right....remember him?

Duncan Keith, Chicago Blackhawks - I'm surprised that, out of all the young guns slowly making Chicago a real team again, this is the guy selected. No Patrick Kane? No Jonathan Toews? Puzzling.

Chris Pronger, Anaheim Ducks - In case they need someone to match-up with Chara for a jump-ball. But for realz, he is the best defensive big man in the league not named Lidstrom.

Sergei Zubov, Dallas Stars - Good choice, good player. Cool name. That's all.

GOAL
Roberto Luongo, Vancouver Canucks* (-) - The obvious choice, and the people's choice. But he's going to bail on attending because his wife is pregant. I guess you can't fault the guy. He'll have plenty more All-Star Games.

Manny Legace, St. Louis Blues - I'm glad this guy rediscovered his career (in St. Louis, always the last place you look) because he sounds like a Latin Kings honcho or something. Or a Tom Waits song: "Manny Legace got rained on by his own .38..."

Evgeni Nabokov, San Jose Sharks - " It is indeed a tricky name. It is often misspelled, because the eye tends to regard the "a" of the first syllable as a misprint and then tries to restore the symmetrical sequence by triplicating the "o"-- filling up the row of circles, so to speak, as in a game of crosses and naughts. No-bow-cough. How ugly, how wrong...As to pronunciation, Frenchmen of course say Nabokoff, with the accent on the last syllable. Englishmen say Nabokov, accent on the first, and Italians say Nabokov, accent in the middle, as Russians also do. Na-bo-kov. A heavy open "o" as in "Knickerbocker". My New England ear is not offended by the long elegant middle "o" of Nabokov as delivered in American academies. The awful "Na-bah-kov" is a despicable gutterism. Well, you can make your choice now."

Chris Osgood, Detroit Red Wings - Now Detroit is just showing off. "Hey, our BACK-UP goalie is All-Star Game material. Eat it, league!" To which I'll reply on behalf of the league: "Call us when you're knocked out of the playoffs by a lower-seeded team...again."

And that's it! For the record, the final score was My Two Cents 5, All Star Rosters 4 (in a shoot-out).