Teemu Take Two

So he's back, officially. Teemu Selanne re-signs with the Anaheim Ducks for what amounts to a long weekend's worth of regular season games before the playoffs.



Since Anaheim's done nothing but get older since the start of the season (Todd Bertuzzi, Mathieu Schneider, Doug Weight, Scott Niedermayer..this team is more clogged with old, immovable white men than the editorial staff of Vanity Fair), this does not bode well for their future.

What happens when young All-Stars Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf want raises? And what if Bobby Ryan sprouts into the superstar he's touted to be? The Ducks have all their money tied up in aging warhorses. Hello, free agent market! I'm sure someone is going to be willing to overpay for Getzlaf or Perry (coughcoughKEVINLOWEcoughcough).

If the Ducks don't repeat (SPOILER WARNING - THEY WON'T), this is going to be looked upon as some pretty shit-tay personnel management. Next season, Chris Pronger will announce he's retiring but only for the first 79 games of the regular season, then he'll be back. Then Rob AND Scott Niedermayer will retire, but return at the All-Star break disguised as Daniel and Henrik Sedin and hope no one notices.

A message to Lou Lamoriello - Get on the phone to Brian Burke NOW and get Mathieu Schneider. The Devils need a veteran defenseman who can work the powerplay and help settle down all those rookies. He'll be going fast and cheap, I'm sure.

Razzle-Dazzle

What the hell was that?



I just watched the Ringling Brothers' Barnum and Bailey Skills Competition and...huh?

What the hell was that Breakaway Competition all about? "Flair"? "Creativity"? "Dominique Wilkins"? Gary Bettman, you continue to astound. "Hm, how best the jazz up the NHL? Make it the NBA! Dunk competition, breakways - same thing!"

UGH.

Rick Dipietro was joking on the ice that Criss Angel should have just skated out there and lit someone on fire. He was totally right on. It was an embarrassment. If Ryan Getzlaf had just put the puck in his mouth and clapped like a seal he would have won.

I felt humiliated on behalf of all the goalies, because they stupidly went out there thinking they were suppose to, oh, I don't know, MAKE SAVES. C'mon, guys! Making saves and showing your skills is SOOOOOOO 1992. Call us when the Campbell Conference comes back, grandpa! Don't you know you were supposed to stand there like blow-up fuckdolls while the STARZ of the New Skool NHL (Bitches!) pranced around like Disney on Fucking Ice?

Gary Bettman, I hope you catch an errant puck to the teeth, one that is fired by a defenseman not worried about style points or impressing the fourth lead in Friday Night Lights.

Dominique Wilkins looked as baffled as I did the whole time. And the only "skill" Scott Mellanby has any right to judge is "hanging around the NHL longer than his usefulness should have allowed."

Can't wait for the All-Star Game...c'mon...Tim Thomas, and...that replacement Penguin player who isn't Sidney Crosby...

We Need to Talk

INT. BRIAN BURKE'S OFFICE - ANAHEIM

The room is uncomfortably silent. BRIAN BURKE sits behind an enormous oak desk. Across from him sit MATHIEU SCHNEIDER and TODD BERTUZZI.

BURKE: Look, guys...I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it.

TODD shuffles uncomfortably.

BURKE: Jeez, this is harder than I thought. [coughs] As you know, Scott came back a few weeks ago...

MATHIEU turns his head away. Are those tears?

BURKE: And, well, this week Teemu and I are...getting back together, too.

TODD slams his hands on the desk.

BERTUZZI: What? How can you do this to us?

BURKE: Look, I didn't plan this. When I signed you two, I really thought it was over.

BERTUZZI: So what? It's not over?

BURKE: [quietly] No. We had some good times, honestly, and I hadn't thought about Scott or Teemu in months.

MATHIEU dabs his eye.

BURKE: But then they started calling and we would chat -- nothing serious at first, I wouldn't do that to you -- but then, well...you know. We do have some history together. You can't just turn that off.

BERTUZZI: So we're just suppose to wait around until they decide they want to come back to you?

BURKE: No, it's not like that. [to SCHNEIDER] Mathieu. C'mon...

SCHNEIDER: I can't even look at you right now.

BERTUZZI: Mat, I think we should go.

BURKE: No! Hey...I still want you guys in my life. You mean--

BERTUZZI: --Brian. Just stop. Please. [to SCHNEIDER] Come on, Mat...

TODD and MATHIEU walk towards the door. Before the exit, MATHIEU half-turns, his face red and raw.

SCHNEIDER: They're just going to leave again, Brian. Just you wait. And when they do...

He can't finish. BERTUZZI puts his arm gently around SCHNEIDER'S back and leads him out the door. He takes a moment to shoot one last look at BURKE - a look filled with pain, anger, and regret.

BERTUZZI: [whispering] You bastard...

END SCENE.

All-"Star" Game

So let me get this straight: No Roberto Luongo, no Marty Brodeur, no Sidney Crosby, no Henrik Zetterberg, no Sergei Zubov, and no Paul Stastny?

But hey...we got...TIM THOMAS!

Look, guys, if you want the NHL's TV cred to whittle away to nothing, just say it. This is like announcing that the Super Bowl will be played by two PAL teams. They should just have the remaining Red Wings play a scrimmage against Jerry Bruckheimer's celebrity charity team.

And why does Scott Niedermayer get to play? Is it because ever since he came back from semi-not-really-PSYCHE! retirement, the Ducks were instantly transformed from a pretty good team to a pretty good team?

But, on a positive note: Tee-hee. They picked TIM THOMAS over Henrik Lundqvist. How's that feel? This guy was plucked from some over-40 men's pick-up league and people still prefer him to you. Ouch. Just...ouch.

Sidney Crosby Tops All-Time IR List

Pittsburgh Penguins superstar Sidney Crosby tops the NHL's Injury Reserve list, turning an injured ankle into a remarkable 6-8 week run on the sidelines.

"What can I say?" says Pens coach Michel Therrien. "The kid has grown into a tremendous player, and I don't think any of us are surprised that he has risen to the rank of, hands-down, the best injury reserve man in the league."

Crosby, injured for the first time in what promises to be a long career filled with injuries, characteristically deferred his success to his Penguins teammates.

"Look, I'm just one guy," shrugs the humble superstar. "So many guys have been great IR leaders before me. I mean, I'm playing in the building Mario Lemieux practically built with his tremendous injuries."

Fans are disappointed that Crosby will have to miss out on the All-Star Game, but the league has planned a special tribute to him at the January 27 event.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announced the tribute in a recent press conference: "In honor of Sidney Crosby's historical IR run, every player on the Eastern Conference team will wear #87...and the name 'Crosby' on the back, too." Asked if this would cause confusion, Bettman admitted, "We sure as hell hope so."

Crosby's 6-8 weeks on the sidelines outs him at #6 all-time among players who dramatically hamstring their teams when out with injuries. He edges out Jaromir Jagr and Mats Sundin.

I...Well...It's that...Um...

Back in the day, before professional players made millions of dollars, there were things like "signing bonuses." One apocryphal tale has it that the legendary Gordie Howe's signing bonus was a team jacket (the story, of course, propagated by famed juniors coach Murray Chadwick*).

Well, that can't hold a candle to Mark Messier's Edmonton signing bonus:



GARY COLEMAN!

Seriously, though - what the hell is going on in this photo? It looks like Moose is about to show Gary why beer, towels, and long Edmonton winter nights often spell doom for young boys.

This photo actually confuses me to no end.

Between that and this:







I'm thinking Coleman spent most of the 80s being passed around by creepy white people like some kind of big joint.


























* - Closet crooner.

Hey, Remember This?

Remember the Pro-Stars? That animated series from the early 90s starring Michael Jordan, Bo Jackson, and Wayne Gretzky?

Wow.

You can watch a clip on the most hilariously named children's entertainment website of all time: The Incredible World of DIC.

Bo Jackson, the original "twofer."

That also reminded me of something else. Remember...this?




Just walk away. Don't look back. Just keeping walking.

If you want a truly great piece of hockey-themed animation, it doesn't get any better than this:

All-Star Rosters vs. My Two Cents

The NHL announced the full Eastern/Western Conference All-Star rosters, revealing that yes, in fact, there are players other than Detroit Red Wings and Calgary Flames being invited to play from the West.

Let's start with the Eastern ("Bestern") Conference:

FORWARDS
Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins* - Voted by the fans, sure, but this one is such a no-brainer than even Ross McKeon could call it.

Vincent Lecavalier, Tampa Bay Lightning* - Another fan favorite. I like Vinny, and I think he's solid - I just wish he'd get traded to a real team in a real city. Tampa Bay is for football and Girls Gone Wild. Imagine him on the Habs? Genius.

Daniel Alfredsson, Ottawa Senators* - The last starting forward. Alfredsson may be the most anonymous elite player in NHL history. The guy is super-talented, but even his teammates forget he's there sometimes. "Oh, hey, Danny, didn't notice you scoring a hat trick over there. Nice work."

Scott Gomez, New York Rangers - Fuck Scott Gomez.

Dany Heatley, Ottawa Senators - Ooooh, Dany "Speed Racer" Heatley makes his return to Hotlanta. Sadly, he's got no takers on his offer to carpool to the game.

Marian Hossa, Atlanta Thrashers - I wish Marian would have a son and name him "Jimmy." Sorry, that's all I got.

Ilya Kovulchuk, Atlanta Thrashers - Not only is Ilya amazing, his name sounds like a Bond villain. And that is a 2-fer as far as I'm concerned.

Alex Ovechkin, Washington Capitals - Another no-brainer. Alex, like Crosby, should just expect to play in this thing until he retires. Unless, you know, his career takes a turn for the Lindros.

Mike Richards, Philadelphia Flyers - With the hockey world so jam-packed with exotic names from far away lands (Finland), it's nice that a "Mike Richards" does well. In fact, how's this for a starting six: Mike Richards, Brad Richards, and Brad Richardson up front, Jason Smith and Luke Richardson on defense, and Mike Smith in goal?

Jason Spezza, Ottawa Senators - Great. Because the All-Star Game didn't have enough smirking and lazy play already.

Eric Staal, Carolina Panthers - The pioneer member of a family that will soon have a player on every team. Better get used to it.

Martin St. Louis, Tampa Bay Lightning - This generation's Theo Fleury, only less interesting (read: not a psycho alcoholic).

DEFENSE
Andrei Markov, Montreal Canadiens* - Man, did he rig the voting, or what? All I'm saying is, someone in the Markov family knows how to run bots.

Zdeno Chara, Boston Bruins* - "Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, don't be shy! Gawk away at Gigantor, The World's Largest Hockey Player! Pregnant women and children are asked not to enter!"

Brian Campbell, Buffalo Sabres - He's good, I guess. Although he gives me a distinctly "meh" vibe.

Sergei Gonchar, Pittsburgh Penguins - I think this guy is actually underrated, despite the fact that he's been an All-Star and everything. The fact that his name isn't mentioned more frequently baffles me.

Tomas Kaberle, Toronto Maple Leafs - I always get confused between Tomas Kaberle and Frantisek Kaberle. Which one went down like a stack of pussy after a Cam Janssen love tap? (I kid, I kid)

Kimmo Timonen, Philadelphia Flyers - Because the play-by-play guys have to have something fun to do, too.

GOAL
Martin Brodeur, New Jersey Devils* - There can be only one. Well played, voting fans.

Rick DiPietro, New York Islanders - You know why I like seeing DiPietro on this list? Because his name isn't Henrik Lundqvist.

Tomas Vokoun, Florida Panthers - They say Tomas had it rough, coming into Florida in the wake of Roberto Luongo. Why? It's not like Roberto established any kind of winning legacy in the Sunshine State. What does Vokoun have to live up to? The tradition of "collecting a paycheck in Florida until you can finagle a deal to a more talented team"?

And now, the Western Conference:

FORWARDS
Jarome Iginla, Calgary Flames* - Once he gets to Atlanta, Jarome will likely be looking around the locker room and wondering: "Am I at the All-Star Game or did I get traded to Detroit?"

Pavel Datsyuk, Detroit Red Wings* - "And starting at center for the Caltroit Red Flames..."

Henrik Zetterberg, Detroit Red Wings* - He and Datsyuk are a pretty awesome combo, I must admit. I can't snark this one away too badly. Good picks, both.

Jason Arnott, Nashville Predators - I love this guy, but, like Lecavalier, I wish he didn't play in a city more suited to spousal abuse and shitty music than hockey.

Marian Gaborik, Minnesota Wild - Anyone who scores 5 goals in one game deserves to be here, even if his bones are apparently balsa wood connected by dental floss.

Ryan Getzlaf, Anaheim Ducks - I know he's good, but I can't help thinking that I hate his smug face. He's like that pretty boy rich kid in school, the one everything always came easy to. Getzlaf won a Cup right out of the gate, so what does he have to look forward to?

Shawn Horcoff, Edmonton Oilers - Another guy I think deserves more attention than he gets, not least because his last name is the original, 18th century term for bronchitis.

Anze Kopitar, Los Angeles Kings - You'd think, playing in L.A., that this guy would be more of a superstar. He's certainly good enough, it's just a shame he plays for a Kings team that sucks so badly they may cause the league to implement the mercy rule. Jason LaBarbara just gave up three goals driving to the rink.

Rick Nash, Columbus Blue Jackets - Big, mean, has a scoring touch, is Canadian. It's like someone was reading Don Cherry's dream journal.

Henrik Sedin, Vancouver Canucks - Henrik was chosen, his twin brother Daniel was not. I imagine the day Henrik catches his flight to Atlanta he's going to be like Michael Cera in Superbad. "So, Henrik, how are you going to get by without Daniel?" "It's no big...I'm not worried...don't worry...I'm not worried at all..."

Paul Stastny, Colorado Avalanche - It makes me feel old that I saw his dad and his uncles play.

Joe Thornton, San Jose Sharks - I liked him better as a Bruin. I still think the Sharks look and sound like one of those made-up teams in movies where they couldn't get the rights to real NHL, NFL, or MLB teams. You know, like the Washington Sentinels in The Replacements?

DEFENSE
Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit Red Wings* - Of course. I mean, this guy has won the Lidstrom Trophy for best defenseman like, what? A billion times?

Dion Phaneuf, Calgary Flames* - This guy rocks in NHL 08 for the Xbox 360. Seriously, I think I actually killed Ladislav Nagy in a game once.

Ed Jovanovski, Pheonix Coyotes - Oh, right....remember him?

Duncan Keith, Chicago Blackhawks - I'm surprised that, out of all the young guns slowly making Chicago a real team again, this is the guy selected. No Patrick Kane? No Jonathan Toews? Puzzling.

Chris Pronger, Anaheim Ducks - In case they need someone to match-up with Chara for a jump-ball. But for realz, he is the best defensive big man in the league not named Lidstrom.

Sergei Zubov, Dallas Stars - Good choice, good player. Cool name. That's all.

GOAL
Roberto Luongo, Vancouver Canucks* (-) - The obvious choice, and the people's choice. But he's going to bail on attending because his wife is pregant. I guess you can't fault the guy. He'll have plenty more All-Star Games.

Manny Legace, St. Louis Blues - I'm glad this guy rediscovered his career (in St. Louis, always the last place you look) because he sounds like a Latin Kings honcho or something. Or a Tom Waits song: "Manny Legace got rained on by his own .38..."

Evgeni Nabokov, San Jose Sharks - " It is indeed a tricky name. It is often misspelled, because the eye tends to regard the "a" of the first syllable as a misprint and then tries to restore the symmetrical sequence by triplicating the "o"-- filling up the row of circles, so to speak, as in a game of crosses and naughts. No-bow-cough. How ugly, how wrong...As to pronunciation, Frenchmen of course say Nabokoff, with the accent on the last syllable. Englishmen say Nabokov, accent on the first, and Italians say Nabokov, accent in the middle, as Russians also do. Na-bo-kov. A heavy open "o" as in "Knickerbocker". My New England ear is not offended by the long elegant middle "o" of Nabokov as delivered in American academies. The awful "Na-bah-kov" is a despicable gutterism. Well, you can make your choice now."

Chris Osgood, Detroit Red Wings - Now Detroit is just showing off. "Hey, our BACK-UP goalie is All-Star Game material. Eat it, league!" To which I'll reply on behalf of the league: "Call us when you're knocked out of the playoffs by a lower-seeded team...again."

And that's it! For the record, the final score was My Two Cents 5, All Star Rosters 4 (in a shoot-out).

Best Goalie in the East My Ass

Well, well - Are you listening, Ross McKeon? This is from the New York Post's Rangers blog, and I think it's worth a read. Come along, read we?

"Second, The King has looked less than regal for a while now. It’s tough to point to any one thing that he’s doing resulting in his decline, but there is a decline nonetheless. His catching glove looks slow (always a death sentence for a butterfly goalie), he is making some rather less than stellar decisions out of the goal and he seems to have lost some focus. When he came out of the net tonight in an attempt to play that puck behind in that atrocious second period, only to see it slow and stop before the trapezoid, it was dumbfounding. He never made mental mistakes like this before. He has never been DiPietro trying to be a hero with the stick, and I don’t think in this situation he was doing that, but his over-eagerness to play the puck cost the Rangers the tying goal. Of course, that was followed by another terrible-angle shot that went in off of Lundqvist’s leg - a sight becoming all too familiar - and poof, they're now down 3-2."

Oooh..."decline," "less-than-stellar," "DiPietro"? Those are harsh words, indeed. Could it be that a Ranger is...shudder...more hype than substance? Naaaawwww...

If you want to read more of the delicious rant, go away to here.

A-Ov Gets Bucks

So the Washington Capitals just inked Alexander Ovechkin to a 13-year, $124 million contract. Hm. Is he worth it?




Yeah, prolly. Hell, if the Islanders can sign Rick DiPietro to an 85-year, $800 million space bucks contract, why not give Ovie some cizz-nizzy?

On a side note - Know what's really awesome about the Capitals? This guy:




So, at least the Caps will now have at least one guy who can find the net for the next few years.

Down in Nashville at this very moment, Radek Bonk is asking his agent, "Why am I paying you again?"

And his agent is not calling him back.

Ha! Geddit? He's terrible!



Oh, settle down, Renegade. No one's reading this anyway.

Ross McKeon is a Moron

I don't know who this Ross McKeon fella is (I am a pretty avid reader of The Hockey News and have never heard of 'em), but he's clearly a maroon.

Case in point - in his recent "NHL Power Rankings" for Yahoo Sports (The #1 Sports Outlet for People Who Meant to Click on "Movies"), he had this to say:

"16. New York Rangers (20-17-5, Previous: 13) – King Henrik Lundqvist has been the East's answer to Roberto Luongo in the West – simply the best goalie in his conference. Jaromir Jagr barely made it into double-figure goal-scoring in the first half. He could go a long way in solving the team's offensive woes."

Let me draw attention to that for the cheap seats:

King Henrik Lundqvist has been the East's answer to Roberto Luongo in the West – simply the best goalie in his conference.

Hahahaha...wait....whobutwhatbuhuh?

Well, if by "the East's answer to Roberto Luongo" you mean a over-hyped goalie who has yet to win anything, fine. I'm with you. But...THE BEST GOALIE IN THE CONFERENCE?????

First of all, let's wait until "King" Henrik has a COMPLETE good season, because so far, I've seen a guy who's "meh" for half a season, gets hot in streaks, then gets very "meh" again. Also? I seem to recall that once the Buffalo Sabres realized all they had to do was shoot high on him (works every time), the precious Rangers were bounced from the playoffs pretty quickly last year.

Ross, how about next time, you write: "The best goalie in the conference when it comes to shots along the ice."

How can you write that statement when, just across the river, Martin Brodeur is closing in on Patrick Roy's all-time win record and TERRY FUCKING SAWCHUK's shutout record, which was believed to be uncatchable. Not to mention leading the far less glamorous Devils to THREE Stanley Cups in the time it took the Rangers to stop their 8-seasons of consecutive sucking. Not to say it's necessarily over yet.

Hell, that statement is even a blow to Buffalo's Ryan Miller, who's at least gotten his team within spitting distance of the Cup. Lundqvist, like the Rangers organization in general, is treated by sportswriters like the really hot girl in high school who is named "most likely to succeed" every year even though she can't spell her own name. But, you know, she's hot and they really, really want her to be cool, intelligent, and useful. Sorry, guys...truth hurts.

Ross, we should talk. I bet you were one of the guys proclaiming Cam Ward the next Patrick Roy a few years back. And we know how well that worked out...

LOLCats!