...or "At All" lately, but this makes me so happy, I can't stand it.
The Green and Red is back! Is that Travis Zajac, or Claude Loiselle? David Clarkson or Bruce Driver? Zach Praise or Captain Kirk? Martin Brodeur or Alain Chevrier? (OK, that's ridiculous)
So great. Lou, make this a yearly tradition, please.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Uninformed Season Preview
Since it's almost time for training camps to get underway and there sure as hell isn't anything else to talk about, it's time to run down my early thoughts and predictions for the 2009-2010 season, mostly based on personal bias, heresay, and uninformed rambling.
So let's have it!
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Boston Bruins
I've made fun of Tim Thomas in the past, but I have to admit that he stepped it up last year. Of course, the B's better consider throwing the outdoor game, lest they succumb to the curse. Pittsburgh? Wins outdoor game, loses in Stanley Cup Finals. Detroit? Wins outdoor game, loses in Stanley Cup Finals. You can't have it all, fellas.
Washington Capitals
How are the Caps expected to figure out their goaltending situation when their goalies haven't even settled on the spelling of their own names? Is it Semeon Varlamov? Semyon Varlamov? Sim1 VarlamV? Simian Smirnoff? Call us when you have a consensus.
New Jersey Devils
True story: My wife went into labor shortly after the Devils were improbably eliminated in Game 7 last year. That's the lengths we had to go to ensure I would forget the game ever happened. And I hate that they lost John Madden. Although this "let's get the band back together" mentality is fun to watch--until, you know, they start dressing Jan Ludvig and Claude Loiselle.
Pittsburgh Penguins
Man, that last-second save that the NBC execs made on Nick Lidstrom was amazing! And the line combination of NBC execs and NBC execs and NBC execs was on fire the whole night. Let's hope NBC can put together another winning season this year.
Philadelphia Flyers
Welcome back, Philly! THIS is the kind of team we expect in the orange and black. Walking suspension Chris Pronger throwing more elbows than Dennis Rodman and a legitimately batshit, fight-obsessed goalie in the nets. They'll be good, and fun to watch. But they'll still lose in the playoffs.
Carolina Hurricanes
Fuck this team. And not just because they eliminated the Devils. They sucked for the first half of the season (remember all those "What happened to Cam Ward?" stories?), coasted into the playoffs and then rode a wave of lucky bounces and questionable calls for two fucking rounds. And then they got spanked like the hulking mass of mediocre they are. Fuck them. Why can't Jim Balsille buy this team?
New York Rangers
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Whew. The only thing that took the sting out of the Devils' loss is they they collapsed for 1:20 of an otherwise well played series. The Rangers collapsed spectacularly for three straight games. Can't wait to see how a locker room without a center, a milquetoast captain, and both Sean Avery and Donald Brashear "gells."
Montreal Canadiens
The biggest offseason make-over in the league. Apparently, the Habs decided to do most of their scouting at the Mite level. Did they sign Travis Moen just so someone could help Brian Gionta and Mike Cammalleri reach the top of their lockers?
Florida Panthers
Well, it looks like anot.....Zzzzzzzzzzzz....huh? Wha? Oh, right, the Panthers are..Zzzzzzzz...
Buffalo Sabres
Is Ryan Miller healthy? Yeah? OK, cool. That should earn you another almost but not quite playoff berth.
Ottawa Senators
I have to treat this team respectfully, because you can't make jokes about someone finding out they have cancer. If they can remove the Heatley before the season starts, they might make a full recovery. If not, it's dicey.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Let's see...they can't score for shit and don't have any goaltending but they've loaded up on two-fisted goons and nutjobs. Hmmm....why does this sound so familiar?
Atlanta Thrashers
This team might be on the verge of something this year. Which will be great, since leading the league in shitty jersey designs won't get you into the Hall.
Tampa Bay Lightning
The Rangers South. Tampa has been buying up free agents like a coke-crazed movie studio exec....oh, OK. That actually makes sense. But the big question is will Victor Hedman pull a Stamkos? And will Stamkos continue to pull Stamkoses?
New York Islanders
Honestly, they can't be worse. But the real story is Rick DiPietro. If he's really done forever, that could be the single biggest career implosion since Eric Lindros. Let's hope for the Isles sake that the Martin Biron and Dwayne Roloson can link up like one of those horse costumes and form something that looks like a respectable #1 goalie. Oh, and John Tavares. I just have to mention him once. It's the law. He'll surely put up a lot of goals. A lot of them will be the lone tallies in 8-1 losses, but, hey, they're goals!
WESTERN CONFERENCE
San Jose Sharks
Imagine how lame the Jaws movies would be if real sharks had this team's killer instinct. Once again, they'll rock the regular season and then gag like Jabba the Hutt being strangled by Princess Leia come playoff time. Can their President's Trophy not count?
Detroit Red Wings
Most teams have a player or two destined to be called away from Olympic duty in February. Seeing as how Detroit is essentially Team Sweden's day job, the extra workload could exhaust the winged wheels. Oh, and here's to another six months of "Chris Osgood sucks" until the playoffs start.
Vancouver Canucks
I honestly can't think of anything about this team that's at all interesting. Unless you count another year of "Is Roberto Luongo the best goalie in the league?" stories while he continues to take no team anywhere ever.
Chicago Blackhawks
If Marian Hossa does end up winning a Cup with Chicago some time in the next 12 years of his contract, it's going to be like that scene in Bull Durham where the team slut marries the Christian guy and everyone at the wedding has to pretend she hasn't banged everyone in the western hemisphere. It'll be bittersweet, is what I'm saying.
Calgary Flames
Dion Phaneuf, Robyn Regehr, and now Jason Bouwmeester? That's a pretty formidable D-line, indeed. Maybe since Miikka Kiprusoff isn't going to be worked as hard they can get him to contibute some goals. Someone has to.
St. Louis Blues
A feel-good story if they win. And I love Manny Legace. Not as a goalie, just the name. If he's ever in the same locker room with Danny Carcillo, Dan Girardi, and Roberto Luongo, expect the FBI to burst in at any moment.
Columbus Blue Jackets
The only real question for the Blue Jackets is: "Is Steve Mason Andrew Raycroft?" If you answer "yes" to that question, skip ahead to the next chapter entitled, "L.A. Kings."
Anaheim Ducks
I have to say, getting Saku Koivu onstage for Teemu Selanne's farewell tour was a pretty great move. Now the Ducks have 2 great pairings - the Finns, and Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry, who are like the douchebag jock assholes in every 80s movie.
Minnesota Wild
Is Martin Havlat a Marian Gaborik replacement? It's a shame this entire franchise is too boring for me to even consider answering that question. And not that it means anything really, but I always think their sweaters should smell like one of the pine tree air freshners.
Nashville Predators
All I can say is, if they win a Cup before Toronto does, I will officially stop watching the NHL. Luckily, they seem to be doing everything in their power to keep me tuned in.
Edmonton Oilers
Another team I'd love to see return to contention, if only because this is still one of the greatest things I've ever seen:
And, um...so's this...
What? Sue me.
Dallas Stars
I've seen Men's League teams more sprightly and youthful than this bunch. But at least their name finally makes sense. From far away, they look good, but upon closer inspection you realize that they actually died 10 million years ago.
Phoenix Coyotes
Is this still really a team? Anyone? Anyone?
Los Angeles Kings
Well, at least they finally ditched LaBarbara. The Kings are actually kind of exciting this year, so long as they get some big boy goaltending for once. They have a lot of young talent, and a fanbase that is just itching to get their minds off all that constant burning to the ground.
Colorado Avalanche
"Rebuilding year." Sure, sure, It's OK. Sakic was awesome. He was. Forsberg? Yep. Patrick Roy? Sigh. Those were the days, huh? Well, take it easy. See you in a couple of seasons.
So let's have it!
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Boston Bruins
I've made fun of Tim Thomas in the past, but I have to admit that he stepped it up last year. Of course, the B's better consider throwing the outdoor game, lest they succumb to the curse. Pittsburgh? Wins outdoor game, loses in Stanley Cup Finals. Detroit? Wins outdoor game, loses in Stanley Cup Finals. You can't have it all, fellas.
Washington Capitals
How are the Caps expected to figure out their goaltending situation when their goalies haven't even settled on the spelling of their own names? Is it Semeon Varlamov? Semyon Varlamov? Sim1 VarlamV? Simian Smirnoff? Call us when you have a consensus.
New Jersey Devils
True story: My wife went into labor shortly after the Devils were improbably eliminated in Game 7 last year. That's the lengths we had to go to ensure I would forget the game ever happened. And I hate that they lost John Madden. Although this "let's get the band back together" mentality is fun to watch--until, you know, they start dressing Jan Ludvig and Claude Loiselle.
Pittsburgh Penguins
Man, that last-second save that the NBC execs made on Nick Lidstrom was amazing! And the line combination of NBC execs and NBC execs and NBC execs was on fire the whole night. Let's hope NBC can put together another winning season this year.
Philadelphia Flyers
Welcome back, Philly! THIS is the kind of team we expect in the orange and black. Walking suspension Chris Pronger throwing more elbows than Dennis Rodman and a legitimately batshit, fight-obsessed goalie in the nets. They'll be good, and fun to watch. But they'll still lose in the playoffs.
Carolina Hurricanes
Fuck this team. And not just because they eliminated the Devils. They sucked for the first half of the season (remember all those "What happened to Cam Ward?" stories?), coasted into the playoffs and then rode a wave of lucky bounces and questionable calls for two fucking rounds. And then they got spanked like the hulking mass of mediocre they are. Fuck them. Why can't Jim Balsille buy this team?
New York Rangers
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Whew. The only thing that took the sting out of the Devils' loss is they they collapsed for 1:20 of an otherwise well played series. The Rangers collapsed spectacularly for three straight games. Can't wait to see how a locker room without a center, a milquetoast captain, and both Sean Avery and Donald Brashear "gells."
Montreal Canadiens
The biggest offseason make-over in the league. Apparently, the Habs decided to do most of their scouting at the Mite level. Did they sign Travis Moen just so someone could help Brian Gionta and Mike Cammalleri reach the top of their lockers?
Florida Panthers
Well, it looks like anot.....Zzzzzzzzzzzz....huh? Wha? Oh, right, the Panthers are..Zzzzzzzz...
Buffalo Sabres
Is Ryan Miller healthy? Yeah? OK, cool. That should earn you another almost but not quite playoff berth.
Ottawa Senators
I have to treat this team respectfully, because you can't make jokes about someone finding out they have cancer. If they can remove the Heatley before the season starts, they might make a full recovery. If not, it's dicey.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Let's see...they can't score for shit and don't have any goaltending but they've loaded up on two-fisted goons and nutjobs. Hmmm....why does this sound so familiar?
Atlanta Thrashers
This team might be on the verge of something this year. Which will be great, since leading the league in shitty jersey designs won't get you into the Hall.
Tampa Bay Lightning
The Rangers South. Tampa has been buying up free agents like a coke-crazed movie studio exec....oh, OK. That actually makes sense. But the big question is will Victor Hedman pull a Stamkos? And will Stamkos continue to pull Stamkoses?
New York Islanders
Honestly, they can't be worse. But the real story is Rick DiPietro. If he's really done forever, that could be the single biggest career implosion since Eric Lindros. Let's hope for the Isles sake that the Martin Biron and Dwayne Roloson can link up like one of those horse costumes and form something that looks like a respectable #1 goalie. Oh, and John Tavares. I just have to mention him once. It's the law. He'll surely put up a lot of goals. A lot of them will be the lone tallies in 8-1 losses, but, hey, they're goals!
WESTERN CONFERENCE
San Jose Sharks
Imagine how lame the Jaws movies would be if real sharks had this team's killer instinct. Once again, they'll rock the regular season and then gag like Jabba the Hutt being strangled by Princess Leia come playoff time. Can their President's Trophy not count?
Detroit Red Wings
Most teams have a player or two destined to be called away from Olympic duty in February. Seeing as how Detroit is essentially Team Sweden's day job, the extra workload could exhaust the winged wheels. Oh, and here's to another six months of "Chris Osgood sucks" until the playoffs start.
Vancouver Canucks
I honestly can't think of anything about this team that's at all interesting. Unless you count another year of "Is Roberto Luongo the best goalie in the league?" stories while he continues to take no team anywhere ever.
Chicago Blackhawks
If Marian Hossa does end up winning a Cup with Chicago some time in the next 12 years of his contract, it's going to be like that scene in Bull Durham where the team slut marries the Christian guy and everyone at the wedding has to pretend she hasn't banged everyone in the western hemisphere. It'll be bittersweet, is what I'm saying.
Calgary Flames
Dion Phaneuf, Robyn Regehr, and now Jason Bouwmeester? That's a pretty formidable D-line, indeed. Maybe since Miikka Kiprusoff isn't going to be worked as hard they can get him to contibute some goals. Someone has to.
St. Louis Blues
A feel-good story if they win. And I love Manny Legace. Not as a goalie, just the name. If he's ever in the same locker room with Danny Carcillo, Dan Girardi, and Roberto Luongo, expect the FBI to burst in at any moment.
Columbus Blue Jackets
The only real question for the Blue Jackets is: "Is Steve Mason Andrew Raycroft?" If you answer "yes" to that question, skip ahead to the next chapter entitled, "L.A. Kings."
Anaheim Ducks
I have to say, getting Saku Koivu onstage for Teemu Selanne's farewell tour was a pretty great move. Now the Ducks have 2 great pairings - the Finns, and Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry, who are like the douchebag jock assholes in every 80s movie.
Minnesota Wild
Is Martin Havlat a Marian Gaborik replacement? It's a shame this entire franchise is too boring for me to even consider answering that question. And not that it means anything really, but I always think their sweaters should smell like one of the pine tree air freshners.
Nashville Predators
All I can say is, if they win a Cup before Toronto does, I will officially stop watching the NHL. Luckily, they seem to be doing everything in their power to keep me tuned in.
Edmonton Oilers
Another team I'd love to see return to contention, if only because this is still one of the greatest things I've ever seen:
And, um...so's this...
What? Sue me.
Dallas Stars
I've seen Men's League teams more sprightly and youthful than this bunch. But at least their name finally makes sense. From far away, they look good, but upon closer inspection you realize that they actually died 10 million years ago.
Phoenix Coyotes
Is this still really a team? Anyone? Anyone?
Los Angeles Kings
Well, at least they finally ditched LaBarbara. The Kings are actually kind of exciting this year, so long as they get some big boy goaltending for once. They have a lot of young talent, and a fanbase that is just itching to get their minds off all that constant burning to the ground.
Colorado Avalanche
"Rebuilding year." Sure, sure, It's OK. Sakic was awesome. He was. Forsberg? Yep. Patrick Roy? Sigh. Those were the days, huh? Well, take it easy. See you in a couple of seasons.
Monday, August 31, 2009
The Pandering News
Oh, The Hockey News, why do you have to be so predictably terrible?
For their 2009-2010 Yearbook, they not only go with the boring "Battle of New York" headline (it's not a battle when both sides are losing), but they once again blow up a big ol' picture of Henrik Lundqvist. Not, you know, number 1 overall draft pick John Tavares, no...he gets the small spot. And who cares that Rick Dipietro might be finished only 3 years into his 48-year, $300 trillion contract? That's not newsworthy. And by no means pay any attention to the WINNINGEST GOALIE OF ALL TIME just across the river.
No, no....it's all about Henrik. After all, he....um....
...was, like, runner up for something that one time...
...and, right...he won a gold medal with Sweden a couple years ago...
And....umm....he almost led the Rangers to a first round playoff win last year! (But, c'mon, those 3 game to 1 leads are sooooo tough to handle...)
Until Lundqvist actually accomplishes something - Wins more than one playoff round, say, or leads the NHL in any statistical category ever (except for "Goals That Are A Direct Result of Wade Redden"), or figures out how to stop something that's more than a foot off the ice - maybe these accolades should pump the brakes a little bit.
Face it, the Rangers are a team balanced on the fragile hips of Marian Gaborik, a man who's going to have a hard time ever scoring 5 goals in a single game now that he's playing with Lundqvist.
How about paying some attention to those guys who actually excel at their position, Hockey News? Or are you still praying that some day Roberto Luongo might actually take a team somewhere so that you can justify 10 years of over-inflating his ego, too?
Can't wait for Marty Brodeur to retire so you can do a cover story on how Lundqvist and Luongo and Cam Ward feel about it.
For their 2009-2010 Yearbook, they not only go with the boring "Battle of New York" headline (it's not a battle when both sides are losing), but they once again blow up a big ol' picture of Henrik Lundqvist. Not, you know, number 1 overall draft pick John Tavares, no...he gets the small spot. And who cares that Rick Dipietro might be finished only 3 years into his 48-year, $300 trillion contract? That's not newsworthy. And by no means pay any attention to the WINNINGEST GOALIE OF ALL TIME just across the river.
No, no....it's all about Henrik. After all, he....um....
...was, like, runner up for something that one time...
...and, right...he won a gold medal with Sweden a couple years ago...
And....umm....he almost led the Rangers to a first round playoff win last year! (But, c'mon, those 3 game to 1 leads are sooooo tough to handle...)
Until Lundqvist actually accomplishes something - Wins more than one playoff round, say, or leads the NHL in any statistical category ever (except for "Goals That Are A Direct Result of Wade Redden"), or figures out how to stop something that's more than a foot off the ice - maybe these accolades should pump the brakes a little bit.
Face it, the Rangers are a team balanced on the fragile hips of Marian Gaborik, a man who's going to have a hard time ever scoring 5 goals in a single game now that he's playing with Lundqvist.
How about paying some attention to those guys who actually excel at their position, Hockey News? Or are you still praying that some day Roberto Luongo might actually take a team somewhere so that you can justify 10 years of over-inflating his ego, too?
Can't wait for Marty Brodeur to retire so you can do a cover story on how Lundqvist and Luongo and Cam Ward feel about it.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Un-Retiring
Save and a Beaut has been sitting dormant for too long. I think it's time to wake it back up.
What have I been doing all this time?
Well, I've been taking shots from the Flyers' Jeff Carter, for one...
And I've been grooming a future hockey fan. True story: My wife went into labor minutes after the Devils choked against Carolina in Game 7 of last year's playoffs. Thank you, son, for giving me something much more important to think about.
But enough about that....I have some major catching up to do. From the Montreal Midget A Squad ("You Must Be This Tall to Play For Les Habs") to Patrick Kane's Gary Bettman-approved efforts to make the NHL more like the NBA (assault charges? Well done, Pat. Now if Sean Avery can get busted with weed we'll be chomping into those US ratings any minute now), there is a lot to shake my head at.
So let's get back to it, huh? I'm rusty.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sean Avery is a Fucking Idiot
Next year, the Rangers uniforms should consist of barrels and rodeo clown noses because Sean Avery is a joke.
I can't wait for the "either he goes or I go" ultimatums that are going to flood the Rangers offices this summer. When Chris Drury skates over to you DURING A 5-On-3 POWERPLAY to tell you you're being an idiot, you're an embarrassment.
I can't wait for the "either he goes or I go" ultimatums that are going to flood the Rangers offices this summer. When Chris Drury skates over to you DURING A 5-On-3 POWERPLAY to tell you you're being an idiot, you're an embarrassment.
Monday, April 7, 2008
No Layoffs, Just Playoffs
I'm not even going to apologize for not posting since the elevendieth day of never (which, ironically, is also the date of Toronto's next Cup win), because I moved from L.A. back to N.Y. so, I've been busy.
But not too busy to weigh in on the NHL Season 2.0: This Time It's Serious.
Let's take a look at the match-ups, match we?
The West (Or, We'll Win the Cup Again Because Our Division is Soft and We All Decide to Play No-Contact Hockey Until the Finals)
Detroit Red Wings vs. Nashville Predators
I would say that if Nashville wins the Cup I will officially start trying to like football, but c'mon. This will be a laugher. And how do I know? Because I'll be laughing. There's no way the Preds can win against Team Sweden.
San Jose Sharks vs. Calgary Flames
C'mon Jarome - pull off this upset. I want the San Jose Sharks to fail again simply so the Hockey News will finally stop picking them to win the Cup every goddamn year. Oh, wait...Vancouver couldn't even make the playoffs but that won't stop THN from declaring Robert Luongo the best goalie ever. Maybe I hope for too much.
Minnesota Wild vs. Colorado Avalanche
How did Minny get so lucky? They get to open the playoffs against a Legends of Hockey charity team. At the end of this series, they will literally just yank the jerseys off of Sakic, Forsberg, and Foote and put them in the rafters.
Anaheim Ducks vs. Dallas Stars
The first time around, you guys were adorable with your brothers and your Finns who've never won a cup and your head-hunting Prongers, but now, you're fucking annoying, Anaheim. We'd be rooting for Dallas if it wasn't the single most boring franchise on the planet. They are the San Antonio Spurs of hockey. And I personally watched Marty Turco surrender a 4-0 third period lead and lose to the Kings. Anyone who lets that happen does not deserve a Cup.
The East (Or, How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Ignore the Ranger Hype)
Montreal Canadiens vs. Boston Bruins
If you aren't excited about this classic rivalry, you are officially a douche (or a fan of one of the New England franchises with a shot in hell of winning anything). The Habs are a surprise, and I would much rather they be the next Canadian team to win a Cup than Ottawa. Plus, you've got Superstar of Tomorrow Carey Price against Lunchpail Of the Past Tim Thomas.
Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Ottawa Senators
Even though you can beat Marc-Andre Fleury with a beach ball most nights, the thoroughly disappointing Sens are a team so poised to be dismantled it's a wonder they even squeaked in. Ray Emery is already dreaming out which franchise he'll get to be an overrated prick for next.
Washington Capitals vs. Philadelphia Flyers
Alex Ovechkin finally gets to make his debut in the post-sea...oh, wait. Scratch that. Steve Downie, Riley Cote, Jesse Boulerice just snuck into his house and drove him head-first into a wall.
New Jersey Devils vs. New York Rangers
Even though the Devils went a whopping 1-7 against the OverratedShirts in the regular season, the playoffs are a whole new thing. And thank you, Jaromir Jagr, for all but saying you're bolting for Russia as soon as the season's over. THAT's a motivational speech for your ass. And Henrik Lundqvist better pray that Tom Renney has been joking all season and isn't penning his hopes on Michael Rosival, Marc Staal, and Marek Malik.
But not too busy to weigh in on the NHL Season 2.0: This Time It's Serious.
Let's take a look at the match-ups, match we?
The West (Or, We'll Win the Cup Again Because Our Division is Soft and We All Decide to Play No-Contact Hockey Until the Finals)
Detroit Red Wings vs. Nashville Predators
I would say that if Nashville wins the Cup I will officially start trying to like football, but c'mon. This will be a laugher. And how do I know? Because I'll be laughing. There's no way the Preds can win against Team Sweden.
San Jose Sharks vs. Calgary Flames
C'mon Jarome - pull off this upset. I want the San Jose Sharks to fail again simply so the Hockey News will finally stop picking them to win the Cup every goddamn year. Oh, wait...Vancouver couldn't even make the playoffs but that won't stop THN from declaring Robert Luongo the best goalie ever. Maybe I hope for too much.
Minnesota Wild vs. Colorado Avalanche
How did Minny get so lucky? They get to open the playoffs against a Legends of Hockey charity team. At the end of this series, they will literally just yank the jerseys off of Sakic, Forsberg, and Foote and put them in the rafters.
Anaheim Ducks vs. Dallas Stars
The first time around, you guys were adorable with your brothers and your Finns who've never won a cup and your head-hunting Prongers, but now, you're fucking annoying, Anaheim. We'd be rooting for Dallas if it wasn't the single most boring franchise on the planet. They are the San Antonio Spurs of hockey. And I personally watched Marty Turco surrender a 4-0 third period lead and lose to the Kings. Anyone who lets that happen does not deserve a Cup.
The East (Or, How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Ignore the Ranger Hype)
Montreal Canadiens vs. Boston Bruins
If you aren't excited about this classic rivalry, you are officially a douche (or a fan of one of the New England franchises with a shot in hell of winning anything). The Habs are a surprise, and I would much rather they be the next Canadian team to win a Cup than Ottawa. Plus, you've got Superstar of Tomorrow Carey Price against Lunchpail Of the Past Tim Thomas.
Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Ottawa Senators
Even though you can beat Marc-Andre Fleury with a beach ball most nights, the thoroughly disappointing Sens are a team so poised to be dismantled it's a wonder they even squeaked in. Ray Emery is already dreaming out which franchise he'll get to be an overrated prick for next.
Washington Capitals vs. Philadelphia Flyers
Alex Ovechkin finally gets to make his debut in the post-sea...oh, wait. Scratch that. Steve Downie, Riley Cote, Jesse Boulerice just snuck into his house and drove him head-first into a wall.
New Jersey Devils vs. New York Rangers
Even though the Devils went a whopping 1-7 against the OverratedShirts in the regular season, the playoffs are a whole new thing. And thank you, Jaromir Jagr, for all but saying you're bolting for Russia as soon as the season's over. THAT's a motivational speech for your ass. And Henrik Lundqvist better pray that Tom Renney has been joking all season and isn't penning his hopes on Michael Rosival, Marc Staal, and Marek Malik.
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