No Layoffs, Just Playoffs

I'm not even going to apologize for not posting since the elevendieth day of never (which, ironically, is also the date of Toronto's next Cup win), because I moved from L.A. back to N.Y. so, I've been busy.

But not too busy to weigh in on the NHL Season 2.0: This Time It's Serious.

Let's take a look at the match-ups, match we?




The West (Or, We'll Win the Cup Again Because Our Division is Soft and We All Decide to Play No-Contact Hockey Until the Finals)

Detroit Red Wings vs. Nashville Predators
I would say that if Nashville wins the Cup I will officially start trying to like football, but c'mon. This will be a laugher. And how do I know? Because I'll be laughing. There's no way the Preds can win against Team Sweden.

San Jose Sharks vs. Calgary Flames
C'mon Jarome - pull off this upset. I want the San Jose Sharks to fail again simply so the Hockey News will finally stop picking them to win the Cup every goddamn year. Oh, wait...Vancouver couldn't even make the playoffs but that won't stop THN from declaring Robert Luongo the best goalie ever. Maybe I hope for too much.

Minnesota Wild vs. Colorado Avalanche
How did Minny get so lucky? They get to open the playoffs against a Legends of Hockey charity team. At the end of this series, they will literally just yank the jerseys off of Sakic, Forsberg, and Foote and put them in the rafters.

Anaheim Ducks vs. Dallas Stars
The first time around, you guys were adorable with your brothers and your Finns who've never won a cup and your head-hunting Prongers, but now, you're fucking annoying, Anaheim. We'd be rooting for Dallas if it wasn't the single most boring franchise on the planet. They are the San Antonio Spurs of hockey. And I personally watched Marty Turco surrender a 4-0 third period lead and lose to the Kings. Anyone who lets that happen does not deserve a Cup.

The East (Or, How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Ignore the Ranger Hype)

Montreal Canadiens vs. Boston Bruins
If you aren't excited about this classic rivalry, you are officially a douche (or a fan of one of the New England franchises with a shot in hell of winning anything). The Habs are a surprise, and I would much rather they be the next Canadian team to win a Cup than Ottawa. Plus, you've got Superstar of Tomorrow Carey Price against Lunchpail Of the Past Tim Thomas.

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Ottawa Senators
Even though you can beat Marc-Andre Fleury with a beach ball most nights, the thoroughly disappointing Sens are a team so poised to be dismantled it's a wonder they even squeaked in. Ray Emery is already dreaming out which franchise he'll get to be an overrated prick for next.

Washington Capitals vs. Philadelphia Flyers
Alex Ovechkin finally gets to make his debut in the post-sea...oh, wait. Scratch that. Steve Downie, Riley Cote, Jesse Boulerice just snuck into his house and drove him head-first into a wall.

New Jersey Devils vs. New York Rangers
Even though the Devils went a whopping 1-7 against the OverratedShirts in the regular season, the playoffs are a whole new thing. And thank you, Jaromir Jagr, for all but saying you're bolting for Russia as soon as the season's over. THAT's a motivational speech for your ass. And Henrik Lundqvist better pray that Tom Renney has been joking all season and isn't penning his hopes on Michael Rosival, Marc Staal, and Marek Malik.